ME jokes

Follow me.

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.

Girl: I’m so in love with you!

Boy: Me too. I think you’re abcdefghijk: aesthetic, beautiful, cool, determined, elegant, famous, hot.

Girl: What’s the ijk?

Boy: I’m just kidding.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Me: Knock knock. Bestie: Who's there? Me: Ben. Bestie: Ben Dover? Me: No, Ben vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx. Bestie: Omg how did I forget, hi vuyictrbjovtfcybugxrrx!

What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?

I haven't been caught.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?

People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

Me after I watch a brother and sister do it: "Me, sister, let's do it";-;