ME jokes

I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.

Me: "The villain has a point, you know."

Everyone else watching the WW2 documentary:

Me: Why can't orphans play baseball? Friend: Why? Me: Because they can't find home.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

"Suck me off, daddy, I'm doing homework."

Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.

Me: And I don't speak idiot language.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

The dark side of kid songs:

You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

F*** man, I just need a f***ing loli to walk all over me!

This pun is so bad you're gonna punch me.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?

Friend: What?

Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.

Q: What did the kid say to the emo kid?

A: Don't leave me hanging!

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

Pass me the sugar, Sugar!

Pass me the honey, Honey!

Pass me the teabag!

I forgot what a boomerang was. Oh well, it’ll come back to me.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.