ME jokes
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”
What did the shoe tell the feet?
"Put me on your feet!"
A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.
How dairy!
People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.
Me: And I don't speak idiot language.
This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"
Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.
Orphan: How come?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
Orphan: . . . .
Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?
Dad: Sure, Alex!
Dad: We're here!
Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!
Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!
What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*
John walked into Pat at the barn. He was dancing naked in front of a tractor. John said, "Hey, Pat, what are you doing?"
Pat said, "Well, me and the wife have been having a bit of trouble in bed, so I went to a therapist, and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor (attract her)."
Guys, do not follow Tom, he is super inappropriate. I did a 48-hour face reveal and this is what he said:
Tom 13 minutes ago Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ur so cute I wanna fuck your pussy so hard you look amazing I luv ur face come have sex with me mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Me imagining how Batman's hairline looks like.
Nobody: Me: His hairline kinda do look like a Batman symbol.
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o