ME jokes
COP: Are you high?
ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”
What did the shoe tell the feet?
"Put me on your feet!"
A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.
How dairy!
People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.
Me: And I don't speak idiot language.
This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"
Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.
Orphan: How come?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
Orphan: . . . .
Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?
Dad: Sure, Alex!
Dad: We're here!
Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!
Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!
What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*
John walked into Pat at the barn. He was dancing naked in front of a tractor. John said, "Hey, Pat, what are you doing?"
Pat said, "Well, me and the wife have been having a bit of trouble in bed, so I went to a therapist, and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor (attract her)."
Guys, do not follow Tom, he is super inappropriate. I did a 48-hour face reveal and this is what he said:
Tom 13 minutes ago Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ur so cute I wanna fuck your pussy so hard you look amazing I luv ur face come have sex with me mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.