ME jokes

Self Harm

    • My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

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    • Lock

    • Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

    Bullet

    • My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

    I told him, "Probably a bullet."

  • 1

    • Funeral

    • My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

    They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

    Brother

    • Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

    Mom: When?

    Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

    Mom: Sooo?

    Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

    Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

  • 1

    • Bus Driver

    • So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

    "If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

    "If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

    And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

    "Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

    Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

  • 6

    • Kid

    • One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

    She asked me, "What are you doing?"

    I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

    She asked, "What does that mean?"

    I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

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    • Pedophile

    • I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

  • 1