Marriage jokes
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
An orphan is like marriage. The kid is always the reason for divorce. The kid is always the reason for his parents leaving him.
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?
Til death do we park.
I can NOT take any responsibility and credit for this, it just said what's your favourite joke so I'm writing it in favor of them: A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny.
The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?
They get to walk themselves down the aisle.
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Lady: I am going to come to your house.
Man: Ok.
An hour later, the lady is at the man's house. The man meets her outside of the house.
Man: You are going to cum to my house!
And then he fucks her.
Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."
My marriage was on the rocks, so I buried my wife under some.
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.