Marriage Jokes

Who come when a orphan gets married, they are allowed back in family restaurants but when i go in alone I'm not allowed. I have some parents for god's sake

A guy told a beautiful girl "hey I want to make love to you if I throw 2000$ when you go to pick it up that's when I'll go is that okay?" She called her husband and he said "okay but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down" Four hours later she shows up to her house and tell her husband "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS"

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

So I was at the store and I saw a pretty Woman and i said hi and quickly she said i am not interested I have a husband and when i saw the woman again she said i need help i said no Call you husband KARMA 😂😂😜

Wife is texting husband- Honey if I give you 300 dollars will you stop being blind? husband-seilghsielguG Wife- seriously David Husband-fuweyadb

At weddings, old people tell kids "you're next". At funerals, little kids tell old people "you're next".

Why Didn't Neptune Marry Saturn?

Because He knew He wasn't Hot!

If two Stoners get married, do they have Joint assets?

what did the man say to his wife? "MAKE ME A DAMN SANDWICH WOMAN!"

A man sits in a bar and get seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics. The bartender asked, "What's wrong sir?" The man reply's, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me." The bartender says, " put 20$ in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash." So the man walks out the with 20$ he put in his shirt pocket. The next day the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?" The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me 20$ bucks for the wash." The wife pull out the money. "There is 40$-", says the wife. "Oh, he also peed on me he paid for the wash to." The man walks away in belif he didn't get caught by his wife.

whats a mans favorite thing that starts with m and ends with arraige

Miscarriage

Mia: I'm Preganant Again Paul I Can't wait for you to come home. Paul: I Got a Tree to Hit on the Way

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

my neighbor is like my marraige they're bothin the hole.

wife: stop telling rape jokes, its not funny. husband: who raped you this morning?

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, its a nice day, do you have any plans on what your going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Living in Houston Texas and realizing that hurricanes are a annual threat my ex wife call me and ask what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer take the 610 loop dear