Marriage jokes
A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?
Geico saves you more.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?
Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.