Marriage jokes
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and went right.
*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!
What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?
"Want to see if it fits?"
A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?
Geico saves you more.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
Why does Saturn have a ring?
Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?