Marriage jokes
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?
"Want to see if it fits?"
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!
*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?
A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?
Geico saves you more.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
Why does Saturn have a ring?
Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.