Marriage jokes
Why does Saturn have a ring?
Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.
What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?
"May divorce be with you."
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
Memes
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. š
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
1st daughter: Dad, I'm lesbian!
Dad: Oh, OK!
2nd daughter: I'm also lesbian.
Dad: WTF, does any 1 in this family love dicks?!?
Son: I do...
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. š„µ
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: ā ļø
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
Why do Indian men marry fat women?
Because they worship cows.
Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.
My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.
Wife: "You don't even have friends!"