Marriage jokes

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.

And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.

My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!

What do you call someone who is extra virgin?

Mrs. Frame.

How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?

Marry her.

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?

Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

Why do Indian men marry fat women?

Because they worship cows.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

Random couple after their first night:

Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?

Wife: ☠️

What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?

"May divorce be with you."

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.