My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: ☠️
What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?
"May divorce be with you."
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
Why do Indian men marry fat women?
Because they worship cows.
Who did the bee 🐝 marry?
Her honey!
My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.
And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.
I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.
Wife: "You don't even have friends!"
Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.
My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
120 pounds.
