Marriage jokes
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.
And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.
My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call someone who is extra virgin?
Mrs. Frame.
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her.
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"
Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.
As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?
Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?
Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!
Why do Indian men marry fat women?
Because they worship cows.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
1st daughter: Dad, I'm lesbian!
Dad: Oh, OK!
2nd daughter: I'm also lesbian.
Dad: WTF, does any 1 in this family love dicks?!?
Son: I do...
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.