Why can orphans not get married?
They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her.
I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.
Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"
I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
Why did Steven hawking die?
His wife changed the WiFi password
My wife is like a mirror.
I can never look at it.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Q: Why are orphans so scared to get married?
A: They don't know what it feels like to have a family.
What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?
Til death do we park.
Woman: Will you love me after marriage as well?
Man: That will depend on your husband. If he will, so of course I would!
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?
