Marriage jokes
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.
My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.
What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?
My ex-wife.
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Does Donald know his wife is Mexican?
Welcome to the Fast Food Divorce Center where yesterday's lies are today's fries.
You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!
I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
An orphan is like marriage. The kid is always the reason for divorce. The kid is always the reason for his parents leaving him.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.