My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
My wife is a optimist our first night together she handed me a magnum xl condom. I didn’t know what to do so I made her a balloon animal 🎈 🦒
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse but I beat her to it
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet and the wife said yaknow weve been good about our diet lets have a cheat night tonight. The wife came home with kfc and wendys. the husband came home with sylvia from the office.
There was a dude. He had a mondo dong. His wife was like, yo, where are your balls? The dude says he left them in the fridge. His wife replies "i knew those meatballs tasted weird!"
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read "Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now" The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying "Sorry meant using your wifi"
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
Julius’s wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).
This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.
Why do Indians marry cows, because they bathe in milk.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia Are they still brother and Sister?
Why do Indian man marry fat Woman
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
