I like porn a lot. I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.
How do you make an elephant float?
One elephant, two scoops of ice cream and a lot of root beer!
Life is a lot like a penis. Its relaxed, and just hanging there.
It's women that make it hard.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"
Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
What games do monks play a lot?
Among Us.
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.
They were both druids.
Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.
What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a platypus? I lick a lot of pussy.
Look for the Gummy Bear album in stores on November 13th, with lots of music, videos, and extras!
I don't understand why the Twin Towers were super upset.
Their pizza just got there a lot faster by plane.
How do you make a body disappear?
You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!
P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.
I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.
How do you scare a lot of people in New York?
Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."
