Lot jokes

Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."

Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?

Must be lots of drunks there.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a platypus? I lick a lot of pussy.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

How do you scare a lot of people in New York?

Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."

What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?

Lots of fans.

I don't understand why the Twin Towers were super upset.

Their pizza just got there a lot faster by plane.

A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.

"What are you doing all day?"

"Knot a lot."

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.

They were both druids.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

What games do monks play a lot?

Among Us.

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

Why is jelly laughing a lot?

Because his friend goes nuts!

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"