Lot jokes
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.
They were both druids.
Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
What games do monks play a lot?
Among Us.
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, thereโs a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?
A lot of things.
I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.
Thereโs a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
Why is jelly laughing a lot?
Because his friend goes nuts!
How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of flow creamer.
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
I went to Pen Island for vacation this summer. There were a lot of bones.
My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.
You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.
I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldnโt remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said, โYouโre about to become history.โ I almost forgot that we werenโt supposed to have any lessons that day.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.
Next thing he hears is, โDicks and pussies!โ Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."