Lot jokes
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
Make Danielle Smith a lot lizard again!
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.
If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
Q. What's the difference between Trump and a Teletubby?
A. The Teletubby is a lot more coherent.
Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack.
What do us emos all have in common?
Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."
How do rappers like their steaks?
With lots of SIZZLE!
Why was the rapper always calm?
Because he had a lot of chill flows.
Why was the rapper always so confident?
Because he had a lot of rhyme and reason!
How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of flow creamer.
Why was the rapper always good at math?
Because he had a lot of FLOW CHARTS.