Trying to find good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing and then your house will be gone
Q. What's the difference between Trump and a Teletubby?
A. The Teletubby is a lot more coherent.
Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55." The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!" The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible." The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders is all the time.
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common? They both get a lot of crack
How do rappers like their steaks?
With lots of SIZZLE
Why was the rapper always calm?
Because he had a lot of CHILL FLOWS
Why was the rapper always so confident?
Because he had a lot of RHYME and REASON
How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of FLOW CREAMER
Why was the rapper always good at math?
Because he had a lot of FLOW CHARTS
i have a lot of respect for trans women
that surgery takes balls!
There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,
"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning there’s a lot of sucking and blowing but at the end you lose your house
Why do white people own a lot of pets? Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.
I asked the librarian if they haad any books on anxiety. She replied with, "Won't you worry a lot about returning it late?"
I watched a movie with a lot of ketchup on the ground. I don't know why my friends look disgusted.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements. The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.” The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.” The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
