Lot jokes
A gay man enters a bar. At the counter, he sees a skinhead sitting, which he somehow finds cute. He gathers all his courage, goes to the skinhead and whispers to him, "Do you want a blowjob?"
The skinhead punches the gay man in the face with his fist, causing him to go down. Then he drags him outside into the parking lot and kicks him again with his boots before going back inside and sitting down at the counter.
"Man," says the bartender, "but you beat him up quite a bit! What did the man even say to you that you were so freaked out?"
"I don't know," replies the skinhead, "something about a job..."
What's the difference between a blonde chick and Alzheimer's?
None, because they both forget a lot.
Why are dildos like a ratcheting wrench? They both make lots of noise and get their job done.
I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.
What do Diddy and Turkish men have in common?
They both use lots of oil.
What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?
Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?
Must be lots of drunks there.
An Abo walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you find that?" The seagull replied, "At the tip, mate, there are lots there."
There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.
If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
Q. What's the difference between Trump and a Teletubby?
A. The Teletubby is a lot more coherent.