Lot Jokes

there was a animal on my porch then i shot in the head it was strange that it had coffee in its hand, i flipped it over and it was an animal but it looked a lot like my kid.

One day a man buys a rope to suicide, but his friend stops him. They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?

Because he’s a hoot.

dont tell me i haven't got balls i just happen to wear mine mine on my chest and i can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

what takes up 10 parking spaces... 5 female drivers

FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter, he approaches her and says "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion but I was curious to know if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?" The young lady smiles and says "That's a lot of money, of course I would." The doctor smiles and says "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?" The young lady says "What are you joking? That's no money at all, Of course I wouldn't, what do you think I am?" The Doctor smiles again and says "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot

I like porn a lot I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.

A blind man once told me, he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward. Well, let just say that I see his point.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

How do you make an elephant float?

One elephant, two scoops of ice cream and a lot of root beer!

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

a man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs then he says to his boss, i cant handle all of this,.

Ok so I know this is not a joke but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism your are still amazing you are lovely in every way and if people bully you don't lisn because they are wrong you are cute and I know how it feels I have ADHD and I get bullied a lot but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true people with autism stay strong you got this I will be your friend by heart Evan if it's not by person