Waiter: "here you go, one medium-rare steak".
Me: "I like it well done."
Waiter: "thanks, that means a lot."
Have you ever had a friends who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot but he had no imagination...when he masturbated imagines His hand
What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.
people dream about having a lot of money of money but the only thing you should be dream about is a hairline
Me: Hey thats a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there? The Quiet Kid: Yeah, Magazines.....
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.... The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
*Principal:* What is 3+3?
*Boy:* 6.
*Principal:* 6+6.
*Boy:* 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
*Boy:* Legs.
*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?
*Boy:* Pockets.
*Madam:* What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
*Boy:* Coconut.
*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
*Boy:* Bubble gum.
*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
*Boy:* Tent.
*The principal was looking restless*
*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
*Boy:* Wedding ring.
*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
*Boy:* Nose.
*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
*Boy:* Arrow.
*Principal:* O MY GOD.
*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
*Boy:* Fork.
*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
*Boy:* Surname.
*Principal:* Ohooo !
*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
*Boy:* Heart.
*Principal:* Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
School is a lot like boot camp, the only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at
Kobe Missed A lot of shots but he sure didn’t miss the mountain
What do you call a person who wants to be punched a lot?
A clout chaser
search up "clout meaning" if you don't get it
Three guys are on a plane one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American, and the Pilot says “There is to much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off.” So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said , “I have plenty of these where I come from,” the the Asian threw out some rice and said “I have plenty of these in my country,” The American threw out a bomb and said, “I have a lot of these in my country.” The plane crashes anyway and the three men start to walk away from the crash, as they were walking the found a boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of Buritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy,” The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of rice fell out of the sky and sherded all my clothes.” The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble, they kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny the boy said, “MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!”
I have a lot of eggculaint egg puns, get the yolk... oh come on don’t be hard boiled
One day a man buys a rope to suicide, but his friend stops him. They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
there was a animal on my porch then i shot in the head it was strange that it had coffee in its hand, i flipped it over and it was an animal but it looked a lot like my kid.
Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?
Because he’s a hoot.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Women are like rolls of toilet paper they are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot and they deal with a lot of s##t.
Life is a lot like a penis. Its relaxed, and just hanging there.
It's women that make it hard.
How do you make an elephant float?
One elephant, two scoops of ice cream and a lot of root beer!
