Like jokes

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

Why does Ama like boomerangs? Because they actually come back!

"This dude right here don't look nothing like no damn Tyrese Gibson. He look like a hot, fishy tail termite all dressed in green makeup."

Why does Megan sound like a man, but she is a good singer and rapper, but then people talk about her? What's y'all rapper are singer?

Stephen Hawking: like a cross between Nikola Tesla and... a Tesla.

I smell like skunk.

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

Is your middle name Fancy Feast?

'Cause your face looks like a can of dog food.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

No one has my back like my dad.

What is your body like? Soft.

What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?

A girlfriend likes a bad boy.

Why doesn't bread like warm weather?

It gets toasty!

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.

Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.

Stephen Hawking, more like Stephens not walking.

Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.

"Why am I ugly?"

Google would like to operate your camera.