Like jokes

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

POV: 11:07 PM At night, reading these when you notice that, like everyone else, you have no life.

My sister just sits on the toilet with her iPad, then I go to do something at the sink and she says, "Bella, give me toilet paper!" Then I am annoyed, like super annoyed.

What do you call a robot that feels like the opposite gender?

A transformer.

Gays: "I like men."

Straight: "I like women."

Bisexual: "A hole is a hole."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a guitar teacher? One likes to stroke his finger across A minor, and the other one plays guitar.

You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.

The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.

"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"

So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?

Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

You look at it. You tug on it like a shoe string. You play with it like elastic bubble plastic, but it still never grows.

Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.

Your mom's just like a penny. Practically worthless, and in everyone's pants.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

What do you call an orphan who likes football?

Because someone will actually give him something.

Like, and comment if you're single.

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?