Like jokes

"Jordan, motherfucker, your face looks like a slut, and your life is trash. Stop picking on kids and LEAVE THEM HELL ALONE!"

Your hairline is like Spiderman: far from forehead.

I'm going to destroy your momma's [vulgar term] just like I destroyed that Tastykake.

Read this word:

Heroine.

Did you read it like the drug or like a female superhero?

Friend, you so faaaat.

Me: Boy, at least I'm not built like a Nintendo Switch.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.

The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."

What do cows like to do?

Cow-culating!

You’re like a fine wine. The more of you I drink in, the better I feel.

A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."

The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"

The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."

The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"

She says, "Vinegar and water."

Imagine going up to an emo and saying, "You're just like a spider, you're both good at hanging."

You like bread toasted? That means you're roasted.

It would be pretty funny if something that's not a joke was the most liked thing. It would be pretty funny, I think, lol. Just a little funny, lol.

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.

That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.

Women be like, "Don't body shame," then goes to body shame men's heights.

How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

"Fish, why you no fly?"

"I don't like being caught naked."

You look like Megamind, drug dealer.