Like jokes

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

Like if you love food!

I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

Don't y'all just hate when something funny to you happens and then you just have to be quiet so you don't look like a villain?

Ur hairline is like a Fortnite map at the start of a new season waiting to be identified.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?

'Cause there are twenty of them.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

Bell is so ugly, she acts like a boy.

Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

Me: But you are not standing:)

Normal girl stating her opinion.

My name is Jade Harris. I don’t know if you guys know it, but “rape” jokes are really starting to get sexist and could lead to people getting raped. IT IS MY OPINION PEOPLE DON’T HATE ME! 😡. People are talking about how men are better than women, but men and women are both good. Someone posted about how they hate the media being about women and other bull crap, but fuck it, I hate the media being about both genders. And people sound like fucking rapists here!!! Some boy did story time and then said women are weak and I can rape a women if I feel like it and shit! But no one knows what it feels like to be a women? Only women do. 😠. Women have to have kids with men of course, but it is hard to be a like that. 1. We grow up just the same as men, and men don’t always get judged for dressing except for that stupid pants were we can see your underwear shit, which is pt style. Women are the ones who pay the bills, lose half of there energy and MOST of the time take care of the kids and work for a living men do too. But women get raped and harassed and molested and sexual assaulted/battery/abuse, and when a women wants to dress up how she feels she gets slut shamed for it. So really being a women is harder will being both genders are. Facts!!!

Your forehead is so big, you look like Megamind but with no superpower, just a big forehead!

Why do Indians like basketball?

Because Steph Curry plays it.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

Why don't blind people like bungee jumping?

Because it scares the fuck out of dogs!

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

I like your cut, G.

*Slaps really hard*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

What do you do in India when you need to tell the time but don't have the money for a watch?

You bob your head from side to side like a metronome.