Like jokes
What kind of paper likes music? Wrapping paper.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
Your face looks like my butt, but it looks like you.
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,
"It's an elevator, not a lift!"
and
"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"
He keeps going on until the Englishman says,
"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
Why do many New Yorkers like watching Spider-Man?
Because he’s always on the webcast.
What is red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears! :3
Orphan: I want to be like Batman.
Orphan worker: You are already like him, honey.
What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.
Yo mama so fat she makes the sun look like a dwarf star!
Boy: Hello, Mom, can I have $50?
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?
Boy: That's what M.O.M. means, right?
How do lions 🦁 like their steak?
"Roar!"
Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.
First date be like:
Me: "I work with animals every day."
Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"
Me: "I'm a butcher."
Why do orphans read BL or GL?
Cause they get to see what it’s like with a mummy or daddy.