Like jokes
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile.
Urban areas are filled with terrorists, feminists, liberals, and murderers. Which one is not like the others? Murderers because they don't pretend to have a cause.
If a woman’s version of marriage is "happy wife, happy life," but statistically men are more likely to kill themselves, so who should be making who happy?
Then a man’s is "happy husband, don’t get bludgeoned."
Why are women like parking spots?
Because all of the good ones are always taken first, and you gotta wait until they're available again.
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
Mike Pence should have been eaten like Trump fans were saying!
Why do you not go to a gay man's BBQ?
Because the hotdogs taste like shit.
Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."
Why do orphans like to be gay?
So they can call someone "daddy."
My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.
Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.
Why did the Indian man eat a cow?
Because he wanted to be fat like one.