Like jokes

Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.

There’s no hope.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

I rate the atmosphere of Israel a 10/7; real good stuff there, looks like an actual movie!

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

I asked my sister to say something.

She said, "No."

That's what I like to hear.

I dare you to smile like a donut. Did you do it?

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

Ur hairline is like a Fortnite map at the start of a new season waiting to be identified.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

Why are the two friends like the Twin Towers?

They fell apart.

I don't like Twin Tower jokes. They always tend to crash and burn.

Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."

Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)

Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

Seeing so many balding college students is so sad. Like, why the fuck is your hairline graduating before you?!?

Your mom is a spy <3, just like in bed.

I've been drinking from a tall cup.

His teeth look like Twin Towers, Al-Qaeda blown him up.

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.