Like jokes

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

Humor is like skin; the darker it gets, the less people like it.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just like hanging in the dark.

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

What do you call a cow that no one likes? The mooser.

Roses are red, I like weed,

If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

TDS? More like STDs.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."