Lie jokes

To anger a Libertarian lie to him, to anger a Democrat tell him the truth, to anger a Republican sodomize him.

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?

Panera misled.

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."

What did the lady say when she sat on Pinocchio's face:

"Tell a truth, tell a lie, tell a truth, tell a lie, tell a truth!"

My teacher called me beautiful. I hate when she lies.

Little Mickel was on a tree.

He fell down and hurt his knee.

He sat down and started to cry, and from there, he would never lie.

You look pretty today... April Fools!

Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"

Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."

Dad: Johnny, Johnny?

Johnny: Yes, Papa.

Dad: Getting women?

Johnny: Yes, Papa.

Dad: Telling lies?

Johnny: No, Papa.

Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!

Why did an orphan say, "I'm wanted?" Because they wanted to feel a lie in their life.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

D: Johnny, Johnny.

J: Yes, Papa?

D: Eating sugar?

J: No, Papa!

D: Telling lies?

J: No, Papa!

D: Open your mouth, now full of cock. :)

Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they don't laugh.