Left jokes
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Why did the computer catch cold?
It left a window open.
You got no lotion to masturbate, then you remember there's some leftover porridge in the fridge. 😌🤎😇
A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"
The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."
Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.
Once at school, a teacher thought I was Russian. Why do you think that? I said. The teacher replied, because you're reading from Right to Left.
One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.
A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
Because their dad left and never came back home with the milk.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
If your hairline was a river, it would meander left, right, and backwards.
Your hairline left you because you were too ugly for your push back hairline.
Yo mama so gay that she made left and right turn straight.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
I left my Avatar at home today.
Yo mama so old, when she left the antique shop, the alarm went off.