Law jokes
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.
The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.
But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.
All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.
What kind of star would go to jail?
A shooting star!
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.
How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?
Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
A new game the whole family can play...
Incest.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I groomed 2 minors today.
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.