I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.
Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.
What do the initials ACLU stand for?
🤔
American Communist Lawyers Union.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
No?
They both got six months.
Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?
Criminals are wanted.
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.
