Law jokes
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
What is the difference between orphans and serial killers?
Serial killers are wanted.
What do you call a chomo on the road? Roadkill.
Today I put the women’s rights book in the fantasy section of a library.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.
God being a sniper is so fun!
Why do orphans commit crimes?
Because they want to be wanted.
You call it a school shooting.
I call it an unfair shootout.
Why did the orphan rob the bank? Because he wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted.
How do you get away with murder?
Person: You can't kill an orphan!
Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
Why did the orphan play GTA? So he could get wanted.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
One of the students reported a school shooting. That fucking snitch...
How to commit arson:
1. Burn down an orphanage.
Why did the orphan go to jail? Because he could finally have a home.
Why am I in jail?
All I did was cause 9/11.
I have been charged, because I roasted a kid at a barbeque.
The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.