Language jokes

I'm Clueless.

By M. T. Head.

Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.

Pulp is a palindrome.

. --... -. -...--.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I eat mop.

A-I eat mop who?

In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"F... off!"

Someone asked me my gender... I said, "Woah, man."

What are the 3 shortest words in the English language?

“Is It In?”

What does a French woman say when you ask her what her favorite video game is? "Oui, oui!"

"Since 7 8 9, why was 10 scared? Because it was in between 9 and 1."

What's the difference between light and hard?

It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.

Why can't your nose be twelve inches?

Because then it would be a foot.

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

What did Saturday say on the day before Friday?

I’m thursty (Thursday).

I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

Once, asked if I played Scrabble, being dyslexic, I asked if it was the standard version or the deluxe dyslexic version.

lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.