Hello Jokes

Shannon Hamilton
in Depression

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No,you won’t give it back”

Scott
in Wife

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

Turbot 9ine
in Confusion

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)?as involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Punk

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, “Hello,” as if the psycho will answer, “Hey, what’s up, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

fin
in Roast

Your so ugly that even hello kitty seid goodbye

jimmidy cricket
in Cell

one day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. she picks it up "Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby." Sally says, “No, shes upstairs with Uncle john” “Uncle john? i don’t know an Uncle John.” “no, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy” “no i’m sure there’s no one named Uncle John in our family.” “Okay, but why did you call?” Says Sally. “Ummm no reason, just tell mommy that daddy’s pulling into the driveway right now.” “Okay daddy!”

long pause

"Okay daddy! I did it!’ “Great job Sally! What did she says?”

“Mommy said OH FU… and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. shes now resting it looks like… then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter…”

then dad replies “Swimming pool? we dont have a…is this 468-1843?”

1
School Shooter Memes

When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.

Thisisajokechill

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday A man picked up the phone and said: “Hello! I am wan kin the chef.” I said that I’ll come back later

2
Anonymous

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that…”

5
Juan MooreBeer
in Blind Person

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish stand??? “Hello Ladies”"

Joker
in Batman

Joker gives batman a phone thomas:uhh son we need to talk… about the uhh dressing up. martha:hello dearie brucie is it ok if you visit me when you go to jokers house

zach
in Yo mama

yo mama so ugly even hello kitty said goodby

TheJoker
in Blind Person

What a Blind Man says when he passes the fish market?..Hello Ladies!

Anonymous
in Find

Child:Hello I can’t find my dad.stranger:Oh well when and where did you last see him?child:Oh I remember 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

Uncle Jokes
in Adele

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello on the other side.

mr ANDREOUS
in Computer

What did the HP say to a dell :

Hello!

Miss Chandia

Hello miss Chandia here I want to tell you guys a joke what do jokes serve for desert

Microsoft

Hello this is your captain speaking, we are flying at a level of 89 feet, if you look out of your window on the left, you will see the world trade centre

Anonymous

Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar? He said “Oola snack bar!” Oola means hello in Spanish.