My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"
Professor: "Oui oui."
Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
What’s the difference between dark jokes and cotton?
Some people don’t pick it.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Cause every play has a cast.
What do you call an Asian Chihuahua?
A Konichiuahua.
What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
Verb, not adjective.
What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?
Boi Ling.
What is a gay person’s favorite book?
The dictionary.
Why can't orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy".
What do you call a Chinese billionaire?
Cha Ching.
"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."
Hitler: "Mine less, then."
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER!"
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.
The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.
