Language jokes

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

You know what’s odd?

Every other number.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER!"

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

Someone asked me my gender... I said, "Woah, man."

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

I entered 10 puns into a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

There was a plane crash. The pilot's names were Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.

I was about to say an African joke, but it was too dry.

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?

Eileen.

Say this out loud: Alpha Kenny One.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."

"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?

Boi Ling.