Kill jokes
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.
What job lets you kill the most people?
An abortion doctor.
Why did McDonald’s kill somebody because they stole the 12-piece nuggets that will never be seen because of them!
My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.
Why was 6 so afraid of 7? 7 killed 6's parents.
Are you guys alright?
If you answered yes then you are wrong. You are all LEFT. Kill me, hmph.
(This joke was taken from that none funny b*tch on Britain's Got Talent)
A French, a German, and an Italian make a race to see who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, and after a quarter of an hour, comes out.
Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally, the Italian enters and comes out after five hours.
The French: "But how did you do it?"
The Italian: "I killed one."
The German: "So what?"
The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
How do you kill a little boy?
You throw him between two Catholic priests.
Yo mama so fat, she costs 15 elixir, and 3 inferno towers can't kill her!
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?
Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!
I sexually identify as kilometers per second.
Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
KFC doesn't mean Kentucky Fried Chicken, it means "Kill Fat Children."