Kill jokes

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

Why did an orphan kill ET?

To phone home.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.

Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:

Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

What did the guy tired of hearing people joke about rape do?

He killed everyone on this f#cking website.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

My grandfather killed Hitler.

Get it? Get it?