Best

Stradlater

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You´re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

3

Similarity

Meme Machine

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking “Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!”

8

Jump

Narf69

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq

Difference

Hunter lamond

What’s the difference between you and Hitler? Hitler knew when to kill himself.

2

Orphan

Emilly

Orphan- I want to kill my parents

People- I dont think you have the facilities for that big man

5

Cop

Asswald

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

Puns

Overwatch_Gamer321

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that

Time

Anonymous

Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to kill myself. I responded, “Absolutely. A few times actually. I’m just not very good at it.”

Roast

Anonymous

If I wanted to kill myself i would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

Side

Anonymous

What is killing your friend called? a homie-side

Table

Anonymous

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak

Depression

J0K35

Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.

Guy 2: Is it a hard life?

Guy: Yup

Guy 2: Then you can’t kill yourself LOL

Guy 3: Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the “game”

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud… (cyndagoooooooo)

Post

not hitler

whats the difrence between hitler and you

one didnt keep posting on twiter about killing them selfs

Chuck Norris

Anonymous

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

Gas

white

So we were working with a new client at work and my boss farts, he said "a little gas never killed anyone

0

Feminist

Meninist

What the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.

4

Grandpa

Anonymous

My grandpa was amazing. He killed hitler

Orphan

Cam

I wish I could kill my family but you realise your an orphan

1

Depression

nobody

why did the man say chickens were lucky…? because they get killed and eaten.

Wait

Anonymous

Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait… nevermind…