Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
What's the difference between you and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself.
So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
Why did the feminist kill herself?
Because she was TRIGGERED.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
When the school shooter kills the teacher and the autistic kid declares communism
I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
Why did an orphan kill ET?
To phone home.
I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.
Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.
