Kill jokes

Watching the 9/11 documentaries, just watching a kill cam.

What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.

What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."

People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...

Why did Hitler kill himself?

His gas bill was too high.

Guy: "My life is like a game, I should end it."

Guy 2: "Is it a hard life?"

Guy: "Yup"

Guy 2: "Then you can't kill yourself LOL"

Guy 3: "Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the 'game'"

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

These gags are killing me!

In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.