Kill jokes
When someone tells me to kill myself,
Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.
Man: Die, potato!
Potato: *screams*
I like trains.
Kid: I like trains.
Man: No, wait!
Train: *kills man*
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
Why did Mom cross the road?
To kill you!
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.
Ama is a bitch. I want him to die and kill himself.
My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.
Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out of the window...
Ta kill her.
What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?
They were both killed by Romans.
How did Jesus kill himself?
He fell from his bike.
How many times did he die?
Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.
I would tell you a good joke, but I can’t, so here is a bad one.
I would tell you a joke about a teacher, but she’d kill you at school.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Covid.
Covid who?
The thing that killed half a billion people!
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
I will pay someone to kill me.
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"