Kill

Kill jokes

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

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    • What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

    They were both killed by Romans.

    How did Jesus kill himself?

    He fell from his bike.

    How many times did he die?

    Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.

    I would tell you a good joke, but I can’t, so here is a bad one.

    I would tell you a joke about a teacher, but she’d kill you at school.

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Covid.

    Covid who?

    The thing that killed half a billion people!

    What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?

    Fresh roadkill.

    This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.

    (Do you get the joke?)

    (Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)

    First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

    HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

    Harry Potter

    Dobby: "Dobby never meant to kill, Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!"

    Jumanji

    Coach Webb: "Ok, there's a lot wrong with that."

    Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.

    I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."