Man: Die, potato!
Potato: *screams*
I like trains.
Kid: I like trains.
Man: No, wait!
Train: *kills man*
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.
What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?
They were both killed by Romans.
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
First Date: HE:"i work with animals every day!" SHE:"oh how sweet! what is it that you do?" HE:"I’m a butcher" SHE:“perfect i work with humans i just kill them by cutting them up!” HE:"so its you in the news paper?"SHE:"yes it was,wanna be next?" HE:"no!"