Kill

Kill Jokes

Train

Man: Die, potato!

Potato: *screams*

I like trains.

Kid: I like trains.

Man: No, wait!

Train: *kills man*

Bullet

"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.

Dad

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

Crime

Me: 911, I just killed someone.

Cops: Cool, we will not come.

Me: Why?

Cops: Don't admit a crime.

Phones: *Bang Bang*

Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.

Google

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

Librarian

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

Grandpa

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

Wife

Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out of the window...

Ta kill her.

Assassination

What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

They were both killed by Romans.

Jesus

How did Jesus kill himself?

He fell from his bike.

How many times did he die?

Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.

Teacher

I would tell you a good joke, but I can’t, so here is a bad one.

I would tell you a joke about a teacher, but she’d kill you at school.

Covid

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Covid.

Covid who?

The thing that killed half a billion people!

Roadkill

What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?

Fresh roadkill.

Dad

This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.

(Do you get the joke?)

(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)

Knife

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

Butcher

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

Movie

Harry Potter

Dobby: "Dobby never meant to kill, Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!"

Jumanji

Coach Webb: "Ok, there's a lot wrong with that."