Job jokes
Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?
I tried to hit G by putting D.
Leo must be an INTERIOR DECORATOR... because when she enters a room, it becomes UGLY.
What did the builder say after the foundation?
"Employees!"
"I'd love to give everyone another shot."
Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.
I want to be a pornstar. Even if I completely suck, they will still give me a firm raise.
Why are dildos like a ratcheting wrench? They both make lots of noise and get their job done.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.
How many software engineers?
Again, none. It's a hardware problem.
How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?
Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.
A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.
The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."
A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.
Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.
"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."
The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.
"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"
Sally: "You..."
Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"
Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."
Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"
Johnny: "A pig."
Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "
Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.
He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
What job lets you kill the most people?
An abortion doctor.
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.
So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."
My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot.
A skeleton had a job interview, but he looked messy.
I had to fix his collarbone.
I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why did the booty get a job?
To make ends meet!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to his job at KFC!