Job jokes

Two trailer park girls go 'round the outside; 'round the outside, 'round the outside.

Two trailer park girls go 'round the outside; 'round the outside, 'round the outside.

Guess who's back? Back again. Shady's back. Tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back...

I've created a monster, 'cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more. They want Shady, I'm chopped liver. Well, if you want Shady, this is what I'll give ya: A little bit of weed mixed with some hard liquor. Some vodka that'll jump-start my heart quicker than a shock when I get shocked at the hospital by the doctor when I'm not cooperating, when I'm rocking the table while he's operating (hey!!). You waited this long, now stop debating, 'cause I'm back, I'm on the rag and ovulating. I know that you got a job, Ms. Cheney, but your husband's heart problem's complicating. So the FCC won't let me be, or let me be me, so let me see. They try to shut me down on MTV, but it feels so empty without me. So, come on and dip, rum on your lips. Fuck that, cum on your lips, and some on your tits. And get ready, 'cause this shit's about to get heavy. I just settled all my lawsuits. FUCK YOU, DEBBIE!

Now this looks like a job for me. So everybody, just follow me. 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me. I said this looks like a job for me. So everybody, just follow me. 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me.

Little hellions, kids feeling rebellious, embarrassed their parents still listen to Elvis. They start feeling like prisoners, helpless, 'til someone comes along on a mission and yells, "BITCH!!!"

A visionary, a vision of scary, could start a revolution, polluting the airwaves. A rebel, so just let me revel and bask in the fact that I got everyone kissing my ass. And it's a disaster, such a catastrophe for you to see so damn much of my ass. You asked for me? Well, I'm back, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Fix your damn antenna, tune it in, and then I'm gonna enter in, in the front of your skin, like a splinter. The center of attention, back for the winter. I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling. Investing in your kids' ears and nesting. Testing, attention, please. Feel the tension, as soon as someone mentions me. Here's my ten cents; my two cents is free. A nuisance. Who sent? You sent for me?

Now this looks like a job for me. So everybody, just follow me. 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me. I said this looks like a job for me. So everybody, just follow me. 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me.

A-tisket, a-tasket, I go tit for tat with anybody who's talking this shit, that shit. Chris Kirkpatrick, you can get your ass kicked worse than them little Limp Bizkit bastards. And Moby? You can get stomped by Obie. You thirty-six-year-old bald-headed fag, blow me. You don't know me, you're too old. Let go. It's over; nobody listens to techno. Now let's go; just give me the signal. I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults. I've been dope, suspenseful with a pencil, ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol. But sometimes the shit just seems everybody only wants to discuss me. So this must mean I'm disgusting. But it's just me; I'm just obscene. No, I'm not the first king of controversy. I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley to do black music so selfishly and used it to get myself wealthy. (Hey!!) There's a concept that works. Twenty million other white rappers emerge, but no matter how many fish in the sea, it'll be so empty without me.

Now this looks like a job for me. So everybody, just follow me. 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me. I said this looks like a job for me. So everybody, just follow me. 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'cause it feels so empty without me.

"Chem-hie-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la."

Kids!

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

My son's class is having a career day next week.

He was all embarrassed about having a mother who works at the AISH office.

We've agreed that I'll tell his class I'm a prostitute.

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)

MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?

BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!

MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?

BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!

MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?

BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.

MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.

BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!

(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)

MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!

I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.

What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?

Lil Teller.

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.