I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.
What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?
Lil Teller
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?
Because every little bit helps!
There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
