Job Jokes

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

My son's class is having a career day next week.

He was all embarrassed about having a mother who works at the AISH office.

We've agreed that I'll tell his class I'm a prostitute.

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)

MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?

BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!

MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?

BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!

MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?

BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.

MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.

BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!

(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)

MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!

I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.

What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?

Lil Teller.

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?

Because every little bit helps!