Job jokes

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

Why can’t orphans work at SC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

Why was the computer late for work?

He had a hard drive.

The best part of working at an orphanage is you can give them family-size chips.

What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?

Screw you!

Why did the rapper become a carpenter?

To build some SOLID BARS.

Why can't orphans work at S.C Johnson?

Because it is a family company. 😂 😂

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.

What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.

What is a gay man's favorite job?

A blowjob.

Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!

Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!

Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!

Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?

Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?

Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.

Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!

Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!

Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!

Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!

Gwen: He does, you're not listening.

Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!

Bro, go work at McDonald's. Your hairline inspired their logo!

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.

What did Bob the police officer say to his chest?

"You're under a vest."

A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.

"What are you doing all day?"

"Knot a lot."

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

What do you call a giraffe giving a blow job to another giraffe?

Getting neck!

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.