Job jokes

I went to an interview and my future boss said, "Hi, my name is Watt Niseto, meet you."

Then said, "WHAT IS UR NAME?" He then said,

"What is not my name, Watt is." So I replied, "Ugh fine, I guess I'll call you Wha." Then he said, "Wha I not my name."

And then I said, "Ugh fine, my name is Will Knott." He then replied, "Hi Will Not."

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

I did a good job and walk walk home and walk walk to the car and drive. What is the difference between a good [what]?

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?

Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

Why do women need a pay rise? Isn't the glass ceiling high enough?

How does an artist fill in a CV?

He draws on experience.

Why do asses make terrible spies?

Because they always CRACK under pressure.

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

Chuck Norris came up with the name for Walker, Texas Ranger in sheer brilliance. You can arrange each letter for the name of the show to display the true name being "Wrangler Karate Sex!"

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?

Father Les.

I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.