Job jokes

I have so many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

I made a joke about unemployed people. It didn’t work.

How come orphans know how to do laundry?

Cause that's usually the mom's job.

I saw a kid crying and I asked him where his parents were...

Man, I love working at an orphanage.

Why'd Biden get fired from the supermarket?

He kept telling little kids they smell like freshly baked bread.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

Jimmy asks an elevator operator what he thinks of his job.

The operator shrugs and says, "It has its ups and downs!"

What state do miners hate?

Oregon.

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

"My name is Osama, I lost my jobba, so I became a BOMBA 💣"

Where did the one legged lady work?

IHOP

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?