Job jokes

A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.

I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

I don't know?!?

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

I saw a trophy in my sister's room. So I said congratulations on your cheer leading. My sister said I didn't win the trophy for cheer leading, so I asked why. My sister said I won because I give the best jobs.

I've done a ton of work today.

A SKELE-ton of work!

A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.

I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...

Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?

Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.

Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!

Me: You can't kick me out.

Manager: Why not? Huh?

Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

I love working with animals, especially when I get to hear their cries of help.

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

Therapists are rapists in disguise, because "the rapist".

Why did the terrorists crash?

They were doing the job they loved but not getting paid.

Lol.

What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.

What did an orange say the day before going to work?

"Back to the rind!"

What do lady dogs (bitches) wear to work?

Pant suits.

Why didn’t the construction worker build a bridge?

He was scared to get across.

I think I might apply for a job cleaning mirrors.

It’s a job I can see myself doing.

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

Kenny's dick is so small that instead of giving him a handjob, I gave him a thumb and forefinger job.

At work: Hey guys, I'm gonna Arnold clock out now.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.