Intimacy jokes

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

What’s the best part of fucking Noor’s vulva (btw Noor is black)? If my dick is right beside Mara’s vulva (btw Mara’s white and so am I).

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and went up to her mom and asked, "Mom, I have hair on my privates, what is it?"

"Oh, honey, that's your monkey," the mom says.

So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says, "My monkey has hair on it!" The sister replies with a laugh, "You think that's cool? My monkey is already eating bananas!"

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.

"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."

The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/

Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.

The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.

The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.

In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex?

They are not for kids.

What does a woman call Stormzy in bed?

Stiff chocolate.

Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.

Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.

POV them: What's one move to get a man motivated in bed?

Her: All you gotta give is that hawk tuah and spit on that thang, you get me?

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

What do you call two Mexicans having sex? 50 Shades of Brown.

What do trans women bring to lesbian relationships?

Something big and warm 🍆.