Intimacy jokes

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

Bad handjobs are rare. They’re hard to come by.

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

What's the first thing you say in anal sex..... "Holy shit!"

I was always told I’m too small to ride, but every girl I’ve been with rated me a 9.5.

But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.

After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."

If sex with three people is called a "threesome" and sex with two people is called a "twosome," then I know why people call you handsome!

If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.

Definition of trust: two cannibals having oral sex.

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.