Intending jokes
A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.
Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.
"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
First human comes.
Sans: That was pun intended.
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They drop FIRE TRACKS.
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
Why are Asians so bad at baseball? ... Because they ate the bat!
What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?
Freeze.
A man puts in ten jokes into a joke contest. He hopes that at least one will win. Sadly, no pun intended.
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
What is a ghost's favorite cake?
I scream cake!
It puts a whole new spin on meals on wheels. No pun intended.
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What are fish not allowed to have?
Seaweed.
Armless child: Can you give me a hand??
Me: Ok.
Video game company names always make me make puns I didn't intend to.