INS jokes
Why did my dad cross the road?
To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.
My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.
What do you call a malignant cell in Paris?
A Royale with cancer.
Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.
Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"
The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."
I believe Alia is a true god because they say in the beginning there was an explosion.
If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Yo mama's such a milf, she deserves a tongue punch in the fart box.
What do you call Nicki Minaj covered in glue?
Sticky Minaj.
How do you know when it's bedtime in the Netherlands?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.
The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!
"Suicide bomber kills 44 people in Pakistan mosque." Damn, that's a crazy K/D. He must be hacking.
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?
When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩
What’s the difference between a penis and a golf ball?
A penis always goes in the hole.
Why can’t the emo play in trees? They’ll leave ‘em hanging.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."