INS jokes
What do Woody and Hitler have in common?
Their bodies go limp before they get caught.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
Your computer just went in my bathroom and took a shit because you put too much chili in the bowl.
So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
Who are the Fastest Readers in the world?
9/11 victims: They read 87 stories in 10 seconds.
There are 3 men: an American, a French, and an Italian who have to take a trip and take the plane.
The American puts his hand out the window and says: "We are in America, I touched the Statue of Liberty." The French says: "We are in France, I touched the Eiffel Tower." The Italian says: "We are in Italy, I touched the garbage!"
Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?
The guy was black.
No wonder why I can't find you. You're in the trash bin.
I put a pipe bomb in an orphanage. 🤡🤡
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
I asked my friend Cammy what is 55+68 and he was to say it in words, he replied with "swebin".
73 Earths can fit in Uranus.
A German soldier was walking down the street in a hail storm and a woman got hit unconscious. He ran over to see if she was ok. Other people came running over. They asked what happened, and the German soldier said, "Hail hit her."
Bin Laden's relatives died in a plane crash on 8/1! #justice
Joker: How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
Person: Because he felt it in his bones?
Joker: He read the weather forecast, you f*cking idiot.
What does a cute deaf girl and a fire have in common?
They're both hot, but they're both quiet.
One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"
Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."
Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"
Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."
Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"
Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa said, "Yes."
Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.