INS jokes
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I always wear Puma, put my balls in your mouth.
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!
Which two football teams played in the pirate Superbowl?
The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.
What do orphans and Trump supporters have in common?
No one likes them.
What does a gay guy and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go...woo woo woo.
What are intelligent people in the US called?
"Tourist."
I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!
I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"
One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass, not breathing.
Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little Johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone.
Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."
What do women and KFC have in common?
After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Stephen Hawking is just in a role play. He died to a crash in Minecraft.
My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.
A ball hit me in the vagina.
Stephen Hawking was in a house fire. When he got out, people called him "Hot Wheels."
A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
Where does bad light end up at?
In prism.