Injury jokes

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"

What falls and never gets hurt? Rain ☔

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.

What do you call a down syndrome person that was hit by a car?

Mash potato.

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

How do you make epileptic kids dance?

Throw a flash bang in their room.

What did John say after someone shot his leg?

Oof!

My arm: "I'M GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT!"

What's red and sits in the corner?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby, one week later.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Two men walk into a bar, and they both hit their heads.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?

... A boner.

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...