Injury jokes

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"

A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.

OWWWWWWWWWWW I JUST GOT A CUT ON MY BUTT. Oh wait, that’s always been there.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?

They're both crazy and now dead.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

He slips, he falls, he dislocates his balls!

I accidentally walked on the Lego Batman mask.

I want my fucking feet back!

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"

I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

Why are smurfs blue?

Because they get bruises all the time.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?

Because he fell off his wheelchair.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!