Im jokes

A man is walking into the woods with a young boy.

Boy: “Hey mister, it’s getting dark out and I’m scared.”

Man: “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

I'm fucking retarded.

You ever try sexting with AI? Every time I type “I’m coming,” it replies, “Coming where? Need directions?”

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.

I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"

What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

"I'm alive!"

I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.

Them: What's on your arm?

Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

Haters are hating. I'm still alluring, but I couldn't give a fuck cus this site is dying and boring.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

I'm sorry m8.

I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”

Me: Then which one are you?

I'm 50% human, so that 50% stupid is 100% you.

When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;

If there is a guy in a wheelchair and he is a bully, say, "I’m still standing."

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.