Im jokes

I will be back, I'm gonna get milk...

Me:...

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

I pushed an orphan and they said, "I'm telling!" I asked, "Telling who? Your parents?"

"Suck me off, daddy, I'm doing homework."

Who is the world's fastest reader?

The Twin Towers, they blew through 86 stories in 5 seconds.

"I'm very good in sports."

"In which sports?"

"EA Sports."

I'm not a robot, but orphans are.

I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

One day, a little girl was texting her friend. "Guess what, Angelica!" said the little girl.

"What?" Angelica replied.

"I'm a guy."

Wanna hear a joke?

No, I'm already looking at one.

I'm looking for the bartender.

Person named Bart:

What is a disabled person's least favorite song?

"I'm Still Standing."

Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"

The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"

BOINGZINGA!?!

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

To all my haters, keep sucking. I'm about to cum.