Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not...."
Bully: Hey virgin!
Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.
Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.
Victim: Just wait nine months.