Im jokes

best friend makes 9/11 joke.

you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."

best friend: "I'm sorry."

you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."

I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.

Daughter: Dad.

Dad: Yes honey?

Daughter: I'm lesbian.

Dad: Ok.

Daughter 2: Dad.

Dad: Yes?

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.

Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?

Son: I do...

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Yes, I'm CUTE.

C-ringe U-gly T-errible E-mpty.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.

Why?

So it would cut itself.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."