Ill

Ill jokes

Boy

    • 1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

    2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

    3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."

    4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average?" Policeman: "About a gallon."

    5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

    6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

    7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

    8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

    9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!" I responded, "Inflation."

    10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

  • 7

    • Rule

    • One like and whatever you say in the comments I'll do, but one rule: it can only be 2-4 hours in or out of Gloucestershire and South Gloucestershire.

    State

    • Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

    What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

    P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

    Fly

    • If a fly loses its wings, is it now a walk? Wait a minute, I found out a mind blower. So the 🌎 is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn't that mean all countries are called the 3rd country of 🌎? If I get 10 likes, I'll do one mind-blowing fact daily.

  • 3

    • Door

    • The next time I knock on your door, I'll hit you instead of the door.

  • 1

    • Rape

    • A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.

    She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

    Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?

    He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

    Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.

    Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.

    WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.

    I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.

  • 3

    • Steak

    • Waitress: What can I get for you?

    Me: I'll have a steak.

    Waitress: How would you like it?

    Me: Immediately!

    Coffin

    • When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

    So they can let me down one last time.

  • 2

    • Masturbation

    • I once masturbated in the bathroom.

    I was looking for something, for a little help.

    Looked in the wardrobe and found something perfect.

    I'LL NEVER SEE A TOOTHBRUSH THE SAME WAY AGAIN!

  • 2